last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
