They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
