The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
