Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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