btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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