I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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