I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
