im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
