Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
