I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
