Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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