I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
