I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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