Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Success! We fucked roommates!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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