I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
