Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
