I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
