You're my little dorito
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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