when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
