I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
