My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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