My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
