did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
