Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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