I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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