apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
