the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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