that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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