I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
