Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Ladies don't puke and tell
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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