you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
