I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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