Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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