dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
