I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
