Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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