Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
