That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
