Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
