help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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