somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
