It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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