Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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