if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
