God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
