last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
