I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
farters have to be the big spoon...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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