sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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