What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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