I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
