I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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