Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
