I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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