good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
how drunk are you?
Several
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize