Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
