Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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