i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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