about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
