Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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