My friends, they love my intelligence
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
